The heart of me is strong today.

No regrets; I'm blessed to say that the old me is dead and gone away.

For the first time in months, possibly years, I feel excited. I feel hope. Many of my conversations lately have involved the topic of human elasticity-- a theory I cannot claim, but am loving to further define. It goes a little something like this:

As humans, we are naturally inclined to rebound. We recover; we bounce back. If we don't, we die.

Dustin and I spent hours discussing this the other day because he misunderstood this theory. I made the statement that he and I would both eventually recover and no longer feel pain if we were to divorce or one of us pass on. He took this to mean that, in my mind, I could see a future without him. (That is absolutely not the case.) So, he responded, "but you were worried Grandma would die of a broken heart when Papa died." To which I responded, "EXACTLY!"

Had Grandma not found a life to live, something or someones to bounce back for, she would have ceased to exist; once you cease to claim your life, live your life, you die. There will be a medical reason, sure. Or perhaps you'll sink away from society, by choice or force; you'll become a recluse inside your own mind; turn to substances to remove the catalyst that knocked you down in the first place.

I only know this because I live this.

Whatever road you turn to, you die. You become gray, a background to the colorful palette of the world. All that God has given you, all the reasons for being elastic --stretching, holding-it-together, springing into action-- they're wasted.

And I just can't believe in a God who digs waste (yes, I'm green- deal with it; I'm considered a moderate in my political beliefs on the facebook quiz too if you're all that interested) when I watch the birds not for the vivid-imagination-owning, weak-stomached eat the oats and grains that "pass through" my horses.

So when I realized: Stacia, you are miserable because you choose to be. The cover of your journal says it all: it is never too late to be what you might have been. Of course my soul is troubled. Of course no matter how many anti-depressants or dosage changes I'm assigned, I still feel so completely hopeless, worthless, and invisible because I know what I should be doing. I knew what I should have been doing every August I chose $200-800 over going to the family reunion. I do hate camping; however, when I have been blessed to have a family as amazing as mine, I certainly could have invested in some bug spray and ... I dunno... a holiday inn express?? (hey, that is roughing it-- have you FELT those beds?!).

I hold on to the pain. I hold on to the guilt. I blame other people, when I've never actually ask them or confronted them on the things that are causing negative energy inside of me.
I hold hate in my heart for some. That hurts me, not them. unfortunately... but I digress.

The whole point of being a Buddha-Baptist (and if you hadn't disowned me already, now's your exit-- but for the record, the patriarch and matriarch of this family took me in when I had been living in sin & showed me unconditional love-- isn't judging a sin?) is that you live in each moment, appreciating what you have, and living in a way that should there be a tomorrow, you're grateful for it too. (and a whole lot more, but that's a completely different blog.)

Well, let me sum this incredibly long blog up for you: I am quitting my "prestigious," higher-paid job and going to work for Service Master. I am doing this so that I may move in with my Grandma, who has long been my hero, and show my respect to my Papa by helping her as he and she always helped me. Dustin will eventually move there as well; we have some housing issues to work out, but I am sure you all agree that Grandma doesn't deserve to spend another holiday with just Jordan. I hope to learn so much more living there for whatever time God allows me. If I can fight my personal demons and learn some self-discipline, I hope to record some of the millions of stories we all enjoy hearing.

Because I do have regrets. I regret not doing this much sooner. I regret putting more stock into owning a nice car or having a bigger tv than spending a weekend with people who have since passed.
but no more. Buddhists don't have regrets. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. All we have is right now, right here. So I'm taking my right here, right now, and moving 2.5 hours South indefinitely. I will work at a place that I hope even the title reminds me the value of being a servant, and gives me so much more appreciation for a Master. I want to get out from behind a desk, work hard, laugh harder, and love unconditionally.

Ambitious? si, si senore.
But

I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

and

"The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."
Lao Tzu

For all the things that never died

I have been (arguably) fortunate to be hurt enough in this life to have an ability most don't. In a matter of weeks, I can seal off and honestly evaporate emotions I once had or had invested in someone/something. My dear friend Jill told me that using logic to reason out love was a rare trait; I suppose it is.

As grateful as I have been for this trait many times already in my life, it leaves me at a loss when she cries. You see, my rock, my unfaltering, unfailing example of love, faith, and persistence has always been Della Mae Hebel-Morgan. I have been so incredibly blessed to have shared many, many afternoons under her foot in the kitchen; many, many nights sleeping over; and many, many mornings in a Sunday School class or next to her on a pew with Papa at the pulpit.

Well, Papa isn't at the pulpit anymore. He won't be again. I know that; Grandma knows that. But today, on what would have been their anniversary, what Grandma's brain and heart are telling her have little to do with logic. As well as I know her, she probably isn't thinking about when she taught Sunday School or sang in the choir. She's probably thinking about the man who she used to go to Sunday School with; the man who loved her, called her "his sweetheart," for 64 years. Logically, we all know that the people in our lives will leave us-- in some capacity. But that doesn't matter to love, not a love like Grandma and Papa's.

All the logic and love in the world leaves me helpless today. Today, my hero will cry. Just as she did yesterday. Because those tears are just waiting, waiting to pounce at the sight of a calendar, an empty pillow, a lonely chair. I want to wrap my arms around her and hug her all day, but I can't. I am helpless. All I have are these words. So, I hope you can take to heart these words today and say an extra prayer for Ms Della Mae.

If it's difficult to spend a holiday, event, anniversary, day without your loved one, imagine knowing you never will again. (Grandma knows when she gets to Heaven Papa will be her brother in Christ.) Where do you, if you can't seal them off, put those emotions then? These displaced feelings of love, sixty-four years of love, of unwavering trust?

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. (Psalm 55:22)

Today, I must have faith. Faith that the Lord will give Grandma a reason to laugh today. Faith that He'll let her reflect on the light that she and Papa created across Oklahoma, spreading the word of the Lord. Bringing people to a life that never ends- a love that never ceases.

Grandma,

It is still your anniversary. You have every right to celebrate in any way you want- you shared a love for longer than some people live. That love did not end with Papa's last breath. It won't end with yours or mine or even my grandchildren, as long as there are people around like you and Papa to share the amazing power of unconditional love. I hope today you feel the warmth of all the things that never die. I hope God sends you an angel to deliver a peck on the cheek and a squeeze to let you know-- you are so loved, you are so beautiful, you are so precious. You are irreplaceable. Papa may have seen it first, but he and God have let the rest of us experience it for over half a century. It's your light, Grandma. A light that draws in the tired, the beaten, the sick, the doubtful, the loveless, the hopeless... A light that does not perish; the light of eternal life, eternal love. I hope that light illuminates a path of happy memories and praise today. I pray it warms you from the inside out.

This Steady Sunrise prays today that:

The sun will break through your curtains
to start a new day, and you'll know
that this broken heart can still survive
with a touch of His grace.
Shadows and pain will fade into the light.
Because God is by your side, where love will find you.

Dear God,

Today I continue in my prayers for my Grandmother. When she choked up on the phone with me yesterday at the thought of entering Your house alone on a mutual anniversary she can no longer celebrate with the love of her life, I couldn't help but be pulled back down into all the painful and negative emotions associated with death.
So, G-dawg, I believe in You. No one else can reignite or brighten the flame burning inside my Grandma except Your Holy Spirit. Send it her way God. Please, for her anniversary, give her peace, courage, comfort, and if possible, happiness.

Thank You for Your small miracles. Aid me in battling my demons; help Dustin and I to find a church home, a place to 'plug-in', a place where You can stregthen our hearts and brighten our fires.
Love Always,
Stacia Dawn

Everytime you get up and get back in the race...

One more small piece of you starts to fall into place. Stand, Rascal Flatts

Today I'm reading the last devotional Papa read from a book I loaned him. The title of the selection is "New Markers." A short excerpt:

We can plan. We can hope. But we can't determine what will happen, and when those powerful events come and change our lives, some psychologists refer to them as markers.

So I begin to think of markers in my life; the most recent, of course, being the obvious. Typically I think of Papa and associate the feelings I have with loss. But then I find him, in the pages of this book, in the vivid stories of Grandma's, in the creative use of useless things (I so made an excellent, artsy wall decoration with a wine rack)... in the absence of my morning cough.

A lot of markers are in sight for us- personally, as a family, as friends, as Christians, and as a country. As someone once told me, "never underestimate the devastating power of change." While that may seem quite ominous, change is always in our best interest. Call it fate, coincidences, destiny, or divine planning, I'm sure that you can examine every marker in your life to this point and find some positive in it. Maybe you were born with a disability and it's been difficult for you to 'fit in' -- has it not taught you compassion? Have you not found some of the most beautiful people on the planet hiding in the shadows because they too are different?

I know we as a nation elected a man who wants "change" for this country. Change is good. God doesn't offer us dead-ends. A new direction may be all it takes to save your life. I've cried a lot of tears over change, over the loss of hope, over the realization that what I planned or hoped was not to be. But I've yet to have a day where those changes didn't present me with an opportunity to see God, to thank Him for knowing so much better than I at project management ;).

The prayer from the New Markers devotional:
Dear God who sees all, thank you for seeing me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm totally alone and no one knows my plight-- or cares. You care, and I know You're with me. Don't let me forget.
Amen.

My prayers,

To the Ultimate Project Manager:
Thank you for your continued presence. Even in our darkest hours, we know that we can turn over our burdens to you and feel a peace like no other. Please wrap your arms around the hurting and angry, bitter or confused; I ask that you send a special bear hug to my Aunt Becky and Uncle Jerry right now. Please let a clinical trial on Adrenocortical Carcinoma make tremendous discovers in the very near future; should that not be in you plan, give us the strength to endure what is to come.
Please assist my husband and I as we strive to grow in our devotion to each other, this marriage, and You. Thank you for helping me find a man who desires to have the type of relationship described in Your book; help us to learn each other, love each other, and respect each other to where we are one. It would also be super nice if you could help us meet some other people in the area (or take us to an area where such people exist) that have our common interests and goals. My faith would definitely be boosted if you could help us bump into some people who offer genuine friendship and will enrich our lives, people we could worship or bowl with... without worrying about someone hitting on someone or some other silly destructive event.
Thank you for the laughter and even happiness I've seen in Grandma lately. I know that's You helping her out. Good. She needs someone there and we can't all always be there, but you can. Thanks, thanks a lot.
Lord, you know that I have a serious, serious patience issue. Please help me to remember that You know what's best for me. In the meantime, expect me to be sending out resumes. Please don't be offended. I just believe prayer is followed by action. To sum it up, I would really love it if You could help me find a job with a fair salary, good people, and that I don't hate going to. I'll go wherever You send me because I know I won't be happy until I'm on Your path.
Help the families tonight who are dealing with the worst news. As we now know their pain, take each of our prayers, compassion, and comfort and wrap it around those dealing with the newness of loss.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

When your tears are dry from crying and the world has turned silent

You'll be right here with me.
Brandy, Right Here (Departed)

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31, 32

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24: 15

Yesterday, the lyrics of this song combined with the events of my day and devotional I realized something very simple. In my family, we always have emotions running high; because we don't half-love. We whole-love, and as our wise Matriarch once said, "When you love, you hurt." Every member of this family is hurting right now; we each choose to show or not show it differently, as is our right. Grief doesn't have rules; of course there are some common stages and shared emotions. However, as a PhD not MD told me weeks ago, "Expect everything and nothing when it (Papa's passing) happens. People will go from angry to upset to complacent to insane in less than 90 seconds, right in front of your eyes." I had never lost someone I truly loved to death; I have been very lucky. I'm not saying I haven't experienced loss; I am saying that I have never experienced loss like my Grandmother did last Wednesday.

I've felt the pain of loss from a few months of love, a few years, never a lifetime. She has been so blessed, but every person who sees her also sees that half of her is gone. As close to I think we can see in this life, those two were one. Now, we can only share in her sorrow. Instead of bickering or letting our oh-so-contagious emotions be negative with each other, we can try to live the example they set for us instead of just admire it. If I may steal more of your time, I'd like to share part of Dustin and my devotional from last night:

Those who abandon ship the first time it enters a storm miss the calm beyond. And the rougher the storms weathered together, the deeper and stronger real love grows.

We, as a family, still have storms on the horizon. However,

we can also choose to be quick to listen, love, laugh, cry, hold together
slow to anger

and wait for tomorrow.

Steady Sunrise

My prayer today:

Thank you Father for your Divine plan that interrupts Satan's speech when he begins to whisper in my ear. Thank you for a man who wants to have a marriage as amazing as my Papa's and Grandma's. Please send Grandma a Christmas Angel; she can't seem to catch the spirit of the holidays with a broken heart. Please help each of us to be considerate of each other, each others' lives and circumstances, each others' intentions when interacting with each other, especially on the behalf of Grandma. Thanks for perspective. Please God, help me to find my balance and place in this family; with so much hurt, I know that only time and You can help. Use me to help, Lord, in any way You want. If it's as simple as bathing Jordan or holding her hand while she rests, just help me to be there for her. I'm not so strong right now, but I know I can draw strength from You.


Please place a special circle of love around my Aunt Becky; while we can never always walk with another, You can (but I hope this is the part of her life where You're carrying her).

Help each of us to find relief and peace whenever possible from this grief; please begin to heal our family. Please help us to allow You to.

Amen

No one can drive us crazy unless we give to them the keys.

Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Romans 12: 16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of lower positions. Do not be conceited.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Dear God,
I feel like if we're going to talk so often, we should be less formal. So, what up G? Tonight I come to you with both cheer and grief in my heart.

So, to break it down, I know I fall short and do not always consider the feelings of others or how my actions or words will affect my friends, co-workers, or family. I ask You, Lord, to help me learn to hold my tongue. Let my mouth be a place where Your children can come for comfort, laughter, compassion, encouragement, and whatever pieces of You shine through me.

Help me with my continuing battle to love as You do despite how I feel about others' actions and words. Thank you for giving me a great example; please be with her tonight in the hospital and help her to get home safely soon.

Please bring relief and comfort to my uncle Jerry. Please help our family to begin healing.

My ultimate prayer tonight, God, is that You help restore a little more of my faith. Let my family cease to bicker and scavenge over material things. Let us, as good ole Rob Thomas says, hold to each other until the end of our days.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Lay all your troubles down; I am with you now.

Philippians 4:6, 7

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~ New International Version ~

Dear God,

Today, first I thank you for an amazing family. We may not all see eye-to-eye, we may bicker and fight, we might even throw a book at times, but we do love each other. This kind of family is unique in today's world, and thank You so much for letting me see that over the last few days. Thank you so, so, so much for 26 years with the best man I've ever known. I hope he's keeping You good company up there until the rest of us can gather around Your feet and bask in Your glory. Thank you for giving me an example of an unending and never wavering love. Through Your pairing of a tiny little south Texas woman with a swanky walk and a sweet young Coke-Cola delivery guy, You gave me the best set of grandparents and example of true unconditional love anyone could ever ask for.

Thank you for taking my Papa out of his pain. His life here was no longer very much worth living, and his life with you has to be greater than I could ever imagine. Please let him know we all miss him very much and can't wait to get a hug when we get to those pearly gates.

Thank you for giving me such a strong line of women, from a Grandma who finds compassion to comfort others in the time of her deepest pain to a mother who sacrificed her time and income to spend every second she could taking care of her parents to an aunt who blows my mind with the strength I know You must be providing her in these difficult times.

Thank you for bringing us safely together and getting us safely home from Papa's celebration ceremony. Thank you for letting many of us reconnect with people we hadn't seen in years.

Today Father I ask you for peace, concentration, and calmness. Please help me to give 100% to my job and do the best I can. I have been blessed with this brain and these talents, and I pray that You help me utilize them in the ways You see fit (and, um hopefully, the ways that pay my bills). Please be with my family as Christmas approaches and our hearts battle between sorrow and cheer. Please send Your spirit or Son to hold each of our hands when it seems as if we can't think of hanging an ornament or kissing under the mistletoe. Please be with my sisters and their educational pursuits; my brother-in-laws in the professions and scholastic endeavors. Please be with my husband and give him the strength he needs to support me and this family (as needed) during the next few months. Please help each of us who are now struggling financially, physically, mentally, or with our faith to regain our ground.

When all else fails, please just reach down Your hand and wrap ours in it. It is in Your divine power and presence that we can feel release and peace.

Thank you. Amen