When your tears are dry from crying and the world has turned silent

You'll be right here with me.
Brandy, Right Here (Departed)

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31, 32

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24: 15

Yesterday, the lyrics of this song combined with the events of my day and devotional I realized something very simple. In my family, we always have emotions running high; because we don't half-love. We whole-love, and as our wise Matriarch once said, "When you love, you hurt." Every member of this family is hurting right now; we each choose to show or not show it differently, as is our right. Grief doesn't have rules; of course there are some common stages and shared emotions. However, as a PhD not MD told me weeks ago, "Expect everything and nothing when it (Papa's passing) happens. People will go from angry to upset to complacent to insane in less than 90 seconds, right in front of your eyes." I had never lost someone I truly loved to death; I have been very lucky. I'm not saying I haven't experienced loss; I am saying that I have never experienced loss like my Grandmother did last Wednesday.

I've felt the pain of loss from a few months of love, a few years, never a lifetime. She has been so blessed, but every person who sees her also sees that half of her is gone. As close to I think we can see in this life, those two were one. Now, we can only share in her sorrow. Instead of bickering or letting our oh-so-contagious emotions be negative with each other, we can try to live the example they set for us instead of just admire it. If I may steal more of your time, I'd like to share part of Dustin and my devotional from last night:

Those who abandon ship the first time it enters a storm miss the calm beyond. And the rougher the storms weathered together, the deeper and stronger real love grows.

We, as a family, still have storms on the horizon. However,

we can also choose to be quick to listen, love, laugh, cry, hold together
slow to anger

and wait for tomorrow.

Steady Sunrise

My prayer today:

Thank you Father for your Divine plan that interrupts Satan's speech when he begins to whisper in my ear. Thank you for a man who wants to have a marriage as amazing as my Papa's and Grandma's. Please send Grandma a Christmas Angel; she can't seem to catch the spirit of the holidays with a broken heart. Please help each of us to be considerate of each other, each others' lives and circumstances, each others' intentions when interacting with each other, especially on the behalf of Grandma. Thanks for perspective. Please God, help me to find my balance and place in this family; with so much hurt, I know that only time and You can help. Use me to help, Lord, in any way You want. If it's as simple as bathing Jordan or holding her hand while she rests, just help me to be there for her. I'm not so strong right now, but I know I can draw strength from You.


Please place a special circle of love around my Aunt Becky; while we can never always walk with another, You can (but I hope this is the part of her life where You're carrying her).

Help each of us to find relief and peace whenever possible from this grief; please begin to heal our family. Please help us to allow You to.

Amen

No one can drive us crazy unless we give to them the keys.

Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Romans 12: 16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of lower positions. Do not be conceited.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Dear God,
I feel like if we're going to talk so often, we should be less formal. So, what up G? Tonight I come to you with both cheer and grief in my heart.

So, to break it down, I know I fall short and do not always consider the feelings of others or how my actions or words will affect my friends, co-workers, or family. I ask You, Lord, to help me learn to hold my tongue. Let my mouth be a place where Your children can come for comfort, laughter, compassion, encouragement, and whatever pieces of You shine through me.

Help me with my continuing battle to love as You do despite how I feel about others' actions and words. Thank you for giving me a great example; please be with her tonight in the hospital and help her to get home safely soon.

Please bring relief and comfort to my uncle Jerry. Please help our family to begin healing.

My ultimate prayer tonight, God, is that You help restore a little more of my faith. Let my family cease to bicker and scavenge over material things. Let us, as good ole Rob Thomas says, hold to each other until the end of our days.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Lay all your troubles down; I am with you now.

Philippians 4:6, 7

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~ New International Version ~

Dear God,

Today, first I thank you for an amazing family. We may not all see eye-to-eye, we may bicker and fight, we might even throw a book at times, but we do love each other. This kind of family is unique in today's world, and thank You so much for letting me see that over the last few days. Thank you so, so, so much for 26 years with the best man I've ever known. I hope he's keeping You good company up there until the rest of us can gather around Your feet and bask in Your glory. Thank you for giving me an example of an unending and never wavering love. Through Your pairing of a tiny little south Texas woman with a swanky walk and a sweet young Coke-Cola delivery guy, You gave me the best set of grandparents and example of true unconditional love anyone could ever ask for.

Thank you for taking my Papa out of his pain. His life here was no longer very much worth living, and his life with you has to be greater than I could ever imagine. Please let him know we all miss him very much and can't wait to get a hug when we get to those pearly gates.

Thank you for giving me such a strong line of women, from a Grandma who finds compassion to comfort others in the time of her deepest pain to a mother who sacrificed her time and income to spend every second she could taking care of her parents to an aunt who blows my mind with the strength I know You must be providing her in these difficult times.

Thank you for bringing us safely together and getting us safely home from Papa's celebration ceremony. Thank you for letting many of us reconnect with people we hadn't seen in years.

Today Father I ask you for peace, concentration, and calmness. Please help me to give 100% to my job and do the best I can. I have been blessed with this brain and these talents, and I pray that You help me utilize them in the ways You see fit (and, um hopefully, the ways that pay my bills). Please be with my family as Christmas approaches and our hearts battle between sorrow and cheer. Please send Your spirit or Son to hold each of our hands when it seems as if we can't think of hanging an ornament or kissing under the mistletoe. Please be with my sisters and their educational pursuits; my brother-in-laws in the professions and scholastic endeavors. Please be with my husband and give him the strength he needs to support me and this family (as needed) during the next few months. Please help each of us who are now struggling financially, physically, mentally, or with our faith to regain our ground.

When all else fails, please just reach down Your hand and wrap ours in it. It is in Your divine power and presence that we can feel release and peace.

Thank you. Amen